Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Being a Cadet Inspector for over 1 year, it has been such a experience. I feel like I learnt more in this short span of a year than I did in four years as a cadet. There is just so much out there, waiting to be learnt, be it in a hard way, or simple manner. But one thing that has always baffled me is people. And is it people who make the journey more endurable or make it much shittier than it actually is. Today, two incidents had me pondering, do I expect too much? Or is it the people that are not up to standard. Maybe to them. It is just but a CCA. To fill up some spare time, and to get some points. Receive a testimonial. To me, it has always been more than that. And, it is always very disappointing when I feel that no one shares the same kind of dream as I do.
Maybe, they share the same dream. But they do not share the same amount of effort and determination to see their dream through.
Then, it is as good as pointless sharing the same dream.
And it is in these moments, that I wonder why I bother to put in so much effort. So many become Cadet Inspectors. But how many actually bother to do as much as I do. Some just come back for the minimal. Do the least required of them. And at the end of the day, we both get the same testimonial. And maybe, it is good that I will leave the Unit soon. Because I feel that it is time that I moved on, to seek something that would reward more for the kind of effort I put in. I guess, at the end of the day, being a Cadet Inspector is all about personal pride. Do you feel proud about what you have acheived.
Sometimes I am caught up in a dilemna. Because I don't know if I should write something on my blog. Knowing that my cadets are reading. My friends are reading. Some people who do not like me are reading. And. Cadets from other schools are reading what I am writing. And it is not very nice to let people know how I feel about my Unit. Or about myself. But at some point of time, I feel that how my audience respond to my posts, is about how mature they are. I do not require them to agree with me, but I would hope that they respond in a manner befitting of mature young adults. Not like some childish people not knowing what it means to agree to disagree.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
10:22 pm
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Friday, January 27, 2006
Today was Nanyang Junior College's Annual Cross Country. I had wanted to participate in the competitive race, but with the restrictions put in place, I had no other choice than to be part of the Fun Race. Nevertheless, cross countries have always appealed to me. Because it is a time when I can push myself. And test my willpower. And see if I will just give up, or go on. Even during the course of the run today, there were certain points when I just wanted to throw in the towel. To just stop running. Afterall, there was nothing at stake for me. Only personal pride. And I am glad that I managed to complete the entire course. The entire 4.8km, without stopping once. And, in the time of around 22 minutes. Did not win anything, but came home with my personal pride intact.
Anyway, the most surprising part of the day came only after the cross country ended. I was at the busstop, waiting to catch the bus home. And the busstop was pretty much filled with students of Nanyang Junior College.
And to my utter amazement, and surprise. This girl approached me. Obviously, not to ask for my contact number. But she asked if I was from her primary school. And subsequently, I found an ex classmate. A primary school classmate of 4 years. For me, it was totally amazing. Because, I had not even seen her since I was in Primary 4. The last time I saw her, I think was 7 years ago. Somehow, she recognised me. But I definitely knew her, I remembered her name. But I simply could not match a face to the name. But it was great to know, that I found a classmate whom I had never met for such a long time. She had been a prominent figure in my class, and currently is one of the more prominent figures in College.
Sometimes, I wonder how other of my classmates are doing, how they are getting on with life. It would be so nice if we could all just meet up one day to catch up with each other. Alas, I do not even remember a single name- save for hers.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
8:55 pm
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Saturday, January 21, 2006
The pride with which I associate myself.
And I have been there. Seeing the teams train so hard. Putting in their effort each time they were required to. They trained, despite the sweltering heat of early last december, and continued training despite the onslaught of rain this year. Trained despite the huge workload placed on them by education. And I am just so impressed by each and every one of them. Their determination to acheive, for themselves, for the Instructors and most of all. For the unit. We are less than a month away from the Preliminary rounds. We have less than a month left to train. To prove ourselves. And I am sure, they will be able to do it.
Receiving the Campcraft Competition Team shirt yesterday, I was extremely proud to own it. Because, I want to be associated with the Team. The determination, commitment and effort of every member. They deserve to be no less than the best.
Cheuk Yiu
Jia Jie
Cheng Zhong
Junwei
Jonatons
Jerrold
Zi Nam
Hong Xun
Xiu Quan
Zhen Wei
Keng Chong
Yan Chang
Raphael
Fiona
Jamie
Michelle
Marilyn
Eunice
Muqin
Careen
Huiying
Lecia
Shirong
Mabel
Michelle
Anthia
Samantha
Ying Yin
In our onwards and upwards strive for excellence.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
6:54 pm
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Thursday, January 19, 2006
Going through an almost daily ritual of browsing through blogs, I noticed most seemed to be troubled. Or sad. Down and out. And that included some of my secondary school friends. Close friends whom I used to confide in and rely on. And sometimes, I cannot help but wish they had come to my school as well. That we can still enjoy soccer games after school. Talk in class. Simple yet enjoyable. Definitely regret not cherishing my secondary school life. And now, being caught in a place I feel no belonging to. Being with classmates whom I do not trust. Or maybe, just cannot clique. I do not understand the rationale of a class outing when the people do not mix around and interact during the outing. It defeats the purpose. I regret not cherishing last year, not making the most of it. Maybe, next year, I will regret not cherishing today. When I do not have to adhere to the regimentation that national service will bring.
Is life really this bad.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
10:42 pm
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
I was on my way home after a long day. It not the best of days. This year seem pretty much depressing. Everyday, I go to school waiting for the last lesson to end. And every weekday, I wait for the weekends to arrive. Every school day, I await the next public holiday. I hope that the career I embark on in future, will give me something I can look forward to. Rather than dragging my feet like how I have to everyday.
And I was pretty much in a world of my own, caught up with my thoughts. And suddenly, this man stood up, tapped a young boy on his shoulder and gestured for the young boy to take his seat. That very moment, I regretted. Because I had not been sensitive to the needs of the people around me. I definitely had seen that young boy standing. But it never crossed my mind that he actually needed it more than I did. To me, it was embarrassing that a teenager like myself would actually not give up my seat, and instead a more frail looking uncle had to. And small gestures like this make a person's day.
It wad drizzling when I alighted and walked home from the LRT station. Not wanting to get overly wet, I decided to try to use my huge bag to cover my head. And the moment I did it, I felt so stupid. But alone there, I just smiled. Smiled at my stupidity. Smiled that despite becoming so sceptical about people and things. I still retain that wee bit of innocence. Maybe naiivity. But it was the first time I smiled today. With so many troubles around me. It was nice to be just cut off from everything as the raindrops fell.
I just hope for a better day.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
9:19 pm
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
11:27 pm
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Saturday, January 14, 2006
Today marked the 30th year my church has functioned. For myself, I have been in this church since I was born, naturally, the attachment is there. And it was a special occassion. I thought it was appropriate that I could even return to the church a portion of what it has given me by serving as an usher. The performances were great, the singing was great, and the food was great. Everything about today seemed good. Thanking God and the people whom He used to sustain the church, from 30 people, to around 100 odd. It has certainly come a long way. And seeing old uncles and aunties who used to care for me was quite interesting. Some of them married. Some definitely looking older. And for those who have been there in the church for the 30 years, it must have been an amazing night. Just recalling all those special moments the church has been through. The peaks, and the depths. And praying that God give us the grace to go on till He comes again.
Returning home after an eventful night, the headline of today's edition of The Straits Times did surprise me. "SAF officer is top overseas cadet at Sandhurst". Reading on, I realised actually how far that soldier had actually made it. Becoming the top overseas cadet. What an amazing acheivement. Knowing that you are one of the best, not just within your country. But in the world. That is my dream as well. When I serve National Service, that is where I am aiming for. Not to become the best in the world. Nor in Singapore. But I want to become a commissioned officer. Not everyone believes it is worth the effort. But I do. And I will try my best, and hopefully, I will get there.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
10:38 pm
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Hearing my dad relate his account of his day today, was simply heart wrenching. Feeling the same helplessness he felt. The frustration of it all. And I just cannot believe how I live my life. Sometimes, spending money like it came without labour. Wasting away my time, like it would go on forever. And then to see, my poor dad. Slogging it out in his office. Because he needs to provide for us. I just feel so shameful. That as a son, not only did I not ease his burden, I made it greater. With the thoughtless spending. And I regret my actions. I wish my dad could find some relief. Which of us has a dad who works from 7.30am till 9pm. I do. And despite that, he never fails to take the time to send us to school, and to our army camps. Or to pick me when I finish my training. This is the kind of love I have showered upon me, but never fail to lack appreciation and gratitude. He wants the best for me, but sometimes, I don't even want the best for myself. And even if I do, I lack the determination to carry my goals to fulfilment.
I cannot understand. Because life is so unfair. When my dad works so hard, but gets left out when it comes to pay increments. He works longer hours than the rest. But gets chided for the simplest mistake he commits. However, what I do know is that I have my role model in life. I know whom I wish to mould myself after. My dad may not be the smartest. Or richest. But what he has is a spirit of diligence and determination. That in everything he do, he wants to do it to his best. And he will put in the necessary hardwork to see his tasks through. And he can suppress his pride, because he knows he needs to provide for my family.
That is why, I love him so.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
7:47 pm
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
I guess the opening statement summed up my emotions in the best possible way. For some of us, it just seems that life demands so much out of us. So much is expected, and expected in the shortest time possible. Being caught within the Junior College system, I am yet another person to fall prey to the neverending academic rat race within Singapore. When every major examination proves to be a turning point in one's life. Be it PSLE, Ordinary Level or Advanced Level. Failure at any one of these could just condemn our future. There is space for failure. But there is no time for it. That is the highway of life which I am going through. When the motivation is grounded at approximately zero. But the expectations peaking at a hundred percent.
Being a close perfectionist, I simply cannot understand why that spirit never encompasses the academic aspect of my life. Maybe its sheer laziness. I always want to give of my best. Nothing less than a hundred percent effort and commitment. Be it in my handwriting. Or when playing soccer. And especially so, when I am in NPCC. But sadly, the most important aspect of my life would have been left out. I do not wish to end the year with regrets.
The past month has been spent on such an emotional low. Despite the exterior which did not reveal much. It is pretty much emptiness within me. The feeling of living life, without a purpose. Without a goal in mind. When there is almost nothing to look forward to. No one to share my joy with. Or to complain about the pain. And to whine about the people who pissed me off. I wish there would be someone there to fill that gap.
On the bright side, seeing the Campcraft Team train despite the bad weather yesterday was pretty amazing. Feeling the determination within them to go further. I am just so proud of them. Maybe, it is essential that I learn a thing or two from them about determination in everything I do.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
6:42 pm
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Monday, January 09, 2006
With the public holiday tomorrow. Today is a relief. With the Advanced Levels Examination coming up at the end of the year. The school expects. And the teachers are pushed to deliver. And ultimately, the pressure ends on the students. It is a totally new experience for me. When I go to school daily knowing that although I tried to study the night before, the mountain of assignments to complete will never shrink. And the number of tests to study for will be constant. And I regret thoroughly now. Regret not studying hard enough last year. Just floating past the first year of my tertiary education. Not really making any real effort to sit down and study. And not studying during the holidays. It has only served to pile up even more work than I can possibly imagine. Its the start of the year. But I badly need a break.
Chinese New Year anyone?
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
9:49 pm
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Saturday, January 07, 2006
With last minute information released on the format of the CCA Orientation this year, we were pretty much caught off guard. And we left it extremely late to start our preparations. And I was a little worried that we might suffer in our recruitment drive. But we did fantastically. And I realised the difference was the cadets. The cadets of Zhonghua NPCC Unit. They just went out and gave it their all. Promoted the CCA to the Secondary One students. Bringing them back to sign up and leave contact details for us. It was their willingness, enthusiasm and determination to put in their best which really pleased me. And today, I learnt something important. That it is the people who can make a difference. If they want.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
10:58 pm
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Thursday, January 05, 2006
Going back to school today, it almost felt like a miniature culture shock. Seeing people who looked younger rather than older than us. In their different uniforms. Wearing the brown uniform and singing the National Anthem. It has been a long time. It has been a long time since I last sat in the lecture theatre. Tried paying attention to my tutor. Having assignments to complete. This year is the most important year to date. How I want to graduate, I will determine. The expectations are raised. The competition is stiff. I do not want to look back in despair. Nor with regret. Tests are coming up real quick. And I will just have to dig in and study real hard. Hopefully, with my dream and goal, will result in determination and dilligence. This was my first and only new year resolution. But it is not the only.
I want to excel academically. Because it is my duty to do so. However, I am resolved to grow in spiritual maturity as well. Thus, setting aside time everyday for God. That I read His Word and know His Will in my life. And I want to reflect a person who truly has God in my life. Through behaviour, and in character.
Leading on to my final resolution. To treat people around me much better. To become more people-orientated. Because, many a time, I get too engrossed with the job at hand. That I forget about how the people around me feel. Be it with friends, or my colleagues in NPCC. And even so within the family.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
8:42 pm
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Tuesday, January 03, 2006
I missed the first day of school today. Whilst in 2005, missing school seemed really fun. This time around, I don't think I will be thinking the same way anymore. Afterall, this academic year will be the most important to date. The highest level certificate which I am aiming to acheive. And I do not want any ordinary certificate. I want to hold one, which I know can get me into a course I would like to study. Eleven more months. It is going to be a ride. But I know I can do it.
Anyway. I missed school today due to a fever. With my sister sick for more than a week now, there was a chance that I would catch the virus. And sure enough. It hit me. And it hit hard. The entire previous night was spent with a burning sensation. The thermometer probably did not truly reflect my temperature. It was fever like I had never experienced before. The heat refused to leave, despite the panadols and sponging. While I lay on my bed, I pretty much could not fall asleep. And that was how it went. All the way till 3am. When I finally succumbed to the sheer exhaustion and tiredness which the medicine administered brought. What I speak of is the physical discomfort. While that is uncomfortable and far from ideal, what I actually fear most about being sick is the mental side.
Having a fever meant that I am open to the possibility of having been bitten by an aedes mosquitoe. And being infected with dengue fever. And that thought worries me. Having dengue would mean a hospital stay of at least 4 days. Meanwhile, I would have to undergo blood transfusion to ensure the blood count would not drop below what is determined as safe. Both the idea of staying in a hospital and having a strangers' blood flowing through my body definitely do not appeal to me one bit. That is the thing about sickness- the uncertainty. I never really know what is happening to me, the doctors can only guess, and make the best diagnosis possible. Which is why I am simply amazed by my sister. She has just faced her illness bravely. It has been one week and two days since she felt normal. She has felt the heat of fever, the discomfort of cough. Gone through two blood tests. Sent for a medical check up in the hospital. But she has stood strong. Yes, she has been worried. And scared. But how she has handled her illness. I simply have to give it up to her. I guess, that is how much she trusts in Jesus Christ. That if He can bring us to trials. He will bring us through them.
Lord, I pray that you heal both my sister and I, that we may be able to resume our normal lives. And that in everything we do, we do it for Your glory and honour.
Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
9:04 pm
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