joie de viv-re

Friday, November 30, 2007

It justs keeps getting worse.

Apparently, my OC and 2IC found my personal weapon to be dirty and containing some defect and are extremely pissed. Which equates to me having another set of extra duties. The first set of 3 extras came because I was left in a situation where out of 3 of us, 2 of them were senior to me. Thus, I stepped out and took the responsibility of not performing my duty sergeant duties. And promptly got slapped with 3 extras. The first being next Sunday, and the next being on boxing day. What a way to begin December. With this weapon inspection thing happening, its just the last thing I need. I suppose, I'm going to be looking towards a December and January of burnt weekends. The sole consolation is that I'll at least have my new PSP to keep me company. Its just so depressing, I seem to keep getting into trouble. Everyone just wants to see me trip up, and say things like "Wah, golden bayonet like that one ah? Such and such also cannot do". Yesterday was our Advanced Trainfire Package. I screwed it up badly, and required a number of re-shoots just to attain a pass. And it didn't help that the Platoon Commanders starting commenting that a bayonet holder can't shoot to save his life. I mean, I wished people would just give me a break, I'm human afterall. I guess, winning the golden bayonet was a proud moment for me, but I'm simply unable to live up to it, I can't meet my superiors expectations of me.

Its not that I'm not trying hard enough. I've really put in my best, but, in the end. In the army, many times the effort counts for naught. The end product is all that matters. I feel so depressed. I don't know how to face them, and what punishment to expect.

I'm, just a loser.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
11:08 pm

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Saturday, November 24, 2007

What a week.

Its been such a happening week, so much within the space of the last 7 days. Anyway, it started off with our on-off relationship ending. I think I've said enough. If she still doesn't know my point of view, it obviously means she hasn't been listening. So yup, that's all. I just kid myself into believing that our relationship would work out someday, somehow. But it hasn't. Its been emotional, alternating between sadness, anger and sometimes, I just can't feel anything. Its okay to argue, but it reached a stage where we could no longer listen to each other, and spare that little give-and-take attitude on which a successful relationship is built on. The other, being trust. In the end, like anyone else normal, I only wish to be with someone whose heart I've won over a hundred percent. No less, and I guess I failed. Because time and again my trust got betrayed.

Next, our first phase as a commander has begun with commanders' training and section field training starting. I've been trained, now I'll be expected to deliver my judgment, and lead my section of 6 men. Field camp will be in a week's time, then it'll feel exactly like SISPEC days once again. The week also saw 5 commanders' cohesion activities, a whole lot I must say. Its nice to know that people recognise that junior commanders are the people on the ground, ensuring that instructions given are being carried out, and going that extra mile to ensure everything is flowing smoothly. I've struggled in the month I've been here, dealing with the expectations people have of me. I've suffered my fair bit of criticism, people saying that I'm not good enough to be a golden bayonet, but I'm just trying to all take it in my stride. Hopefully, I'll prove them wrong one day, just like how I proved many wrong by winning the best trainee award. More importantly, my main aim now is to forge a bond of trust and friendship between my men and myself, yet make them understand that we have to go through tough and realistic training. And the important of adhering to rules, and maintaining discipline.

Yesterday was probably the most humbling day of my NS life. I was present when the charge was read out to my man for 7 days detention. And he was immediately handcuffed. My heart really sank. His countenance fell. Its really affected me. I may not be close to him, but it sucks nonetheless. I didn't expect myself to witness anyone getting sent to the detention barracks, but I did. Its tragic when things like that happen, but on the other hand, I totally understood the need for that punishment to be given. Somehow, the entire moment when the charge was read out just keeps replaying in my mind. Its going to be the toughest 7 days in his life.

And it doesn't help when Manchester United lost after the international break. Soccer has become my only reprieve, the time when I don't think about anything else and just enjoy the game, whether its playing it, or watching.

Enough for this week, its been so disappointing. I look forward to better times ahead, though its going to be a difficult and long December.

How I wish I would be numb to you.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
11:52 pm

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Sunday, November 18, 2007

I thought you requested for us to meet, to tell me the "many doubts, thoughts and feelings" you wished to let me know. But in the end, I guessed I shouldn't have sacrificed my church event or even beautiful sleep just to meet someone who wished to argue with me. It all started with a small incident, and a repeated request, just for myself to double confirm and ease my doubts. But you chose to make a big fuss over that second confirmation. The result? A broken relationship. That's where arguing has brought our relationship to, the doldrums.

We celebrated Dad's fiftieth with a surprise celebration yesterday over at my uncle's place. The food was so damn good! Anyway, my only wish is that my family stays happy like we have over the past 2 years, this year especially, just because it means the world to me.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
8:08 pm

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Sunday, November 11, 2007

HURT. deeply.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
5:44 pm

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