joie de viv-re

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Kaleidoscope of dreams- My time in Zhonghua NPCC Unit

Attitude is everything.

Despite going through a year-long dislike of my CCA, I more or less hung in there long enough to learn the basics of NPCC. Such as drill and campcraft, going through the promotion tests and Adventure Training Camps. And soon, I would realise how important it was that I managed to hang on rather than to just quit and give up.

I still recall so vividly the day when my entire life was changed- whether for better or worse, I will never know. For some reason, training that Saturday was from 8am to 5pm, rather than the usual 8 to 1. However, my NCOs knew that I played soccer, thus asked me to join them in a NPCC soccer competition at Bartley Secondary. Obviously, I grabbed the chance with much glee. What better way than to skip NPCC than by playing soccer. The soccer competition of course, did not go the way we would have liked it to. However, I scored our only goal in the competition as we ran out winners against Maris Stella. The moment was sweet, it would probably remain the only goal I ever scored in a competition.

With the competition ending before lunch, it meant that we had no choice but to return to Zhonghua for training. We took our time with lunch, then ever so slowly made our way back. It was almost dreadful. I had forgotten to bring along my belt, and coincidentally, our Cadet Inspector was taking our squad for training that day. I was promptly given an entire earful. I was made the timer that day because my uniform stood out, and when I thought everything was over after the training, Darren Sir asked me to meet him after dismissal. If you knew the context a little more, you would understand how scared I was. I felt sick that very moment, and readied myself for some severe punishment.

It could not have turned out more differently.

He let me know that I could go very far if I wanted to, and that he would help me do so. That was, in essence, him giving me the opportunity to be groomed. One of the ways, he said, was to send me for the Lifesaving course the following year, and enable me to become the first person in Zhonghua NPCC Unit to receive the badge. That one moment, changed my entire life.

I had needed just that wee bit of encouragement. For someone to tell me that I was not the worst they had ever seen. That I could still turn things around despite my poor background in NPCC. I guess, attitude is everything. Whether we think we can or cannot, it will determine how we approach something. Whether we want to determine within ourselves to achieve something, will decide how much we are willing to put into it.

The next few months would see myself grow into a completely different character.

Ability is what you are capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
9:34 am

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Monday, April 24, 2006

Kaleidoscope of dreams- My time in Zhonghua NPCC Unit

The twisting and turning, and ever-bumpy road I treaded.

There have been just so many twists and turns in these 5 years. Sometimes along the way, if anyone had ever mentioned about me becoming a Cadet Inspector, it would be a total joke to me. In the duration of my NPCC life, were just so many ups and downs. The lost of interest, the bickering squad, and the sheer immaturity as reflected in my actions. And so many other incidents which I look back on today with embarrassment. But, the most important thing was growing from my mistakes, learning and changing to be a better person.

June in Secondary 1 signaled the beginning of a year-long dislike of my CCA. I guess, extremely ironic that today I chase and chide offenders who skip trainings without reasons. It comes from the experience of being one of them before. However, my absences were limited, and at least I had the brains to provide relevant documents to support my absences. Definitely a wee bit more intelligent than many idiots nowadays. Giving poor excuses such as having tuition. Or taking care of their grandparents. Oh, please. But the root cause of my dislike was possibly the fact that I never felt at home in the CCA. I never really had any friend whom I could go to during training, to talk to and laugh. Not too sure today, but I have this feeling that I could not remember their names, much less anything else about them.

The departure from the unit of the NCOs I respected alot also took its toll. Moreover, for half a year, the unit functioned without any CI-supervision. Training was run based on how the NCOs wanted it to be, and morale in the squad dropped lower with the passing of each training. There was even once when training was going so badly, that one of our Teacher Officers had to set in and take us for drill! All of us were promoted automatically to the rank of Lance Corporal, without any need for any test or assessment. That was the kind of mess the unit was in, and where we are today is a testament to the structure, which has been painstakingly put in place by so many instructors, both past and present. The unit today is the fruit of the labour of so many.

The arrival of 3 Cadet Inspectors at the end of the year caused the morale in the entire unit to drop to an all time low. With the kind of punishments they gave out, training almost became a torture, and everyone dreaded getting the infamous "shout in your face", or hairdryer treatment. Together with their presence in the unit was a renewed level of discipline. However, that in my opinion was the dawn of a new era for Zhonghua NPCC Unit. It was the beginning of a completely new unit. We were starting all over. And for me, I will always appreciate and cherish what the 3 ‘founding’ Cadet Inspectors did for the unit. They just single-handedly dragged the unit from its slow yet deadly decay into what it is today. Where the unit progresses, will depend on future batches of Instructors. But we will never forget who laid the foundation on which the unit is being built today. And for that, I am totally grateful and respect them.

For myself to be able to achieve what my Cadet Inspector achieved in his time would be such an honour. But alas, I guess I fell way short of the expectations I have for myself.

Moreover, members within my squad bickered and quarreled, but I was never affected. Simply because no one really bothered about me, and me about them. Training was such that, I would be the first one out of school once it ended. I was there, because I had to be there.

But if there was one thing I took pride in from this depressing period in my NPCC life, it would be that I never quit. That despite the circumstances being so dreadful, I always stuck and hung on. That is perseverance, I believe.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
9:13 pm

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Kaleidoscope of dreams- My time in Zhonghua NPCC Unit

Starting amidst broken dreams.

Having been in this unit for more than 5 years to date. I guess the attachment to it is simply extraordinary. It is the place, which I believe has moulded me to become a leader and ensured that i grew in maturity. But as always, 5 years had so much in store for me, and sometimes i just look back and wonder where would I be I had not trodden this path. While I believe that the true test of my character awaits me when i enlist to serve National Service, I guess there could have been no better preparation than this. Accustoming myself to the kind of regimentation I will one day face in a uniformed group, and learning how to work with and manage people has been a priceless experience.

Backtrack to 5 years ago. I enrolled in Zhonghua Secondary School. Hurt that I lacked the self-belief to place Victoria School as my first choice. My appeal failed. Recalling back, I never knew what I was in secondary school for, other than the fact that I was there to study. I was in Zhonghua because I wanted to join the soccer team. While the then soccer team was mediocre at best, I never wanted to join a uniformed group. Having quit the Boys Brigade in Tao Nan School, I was adamant I would not make the same mistake. Ironic that I stand before many today extolling the benefits which it has brought me.

There was this senior from NCC. He persuaded my parents that it was in NCC where i belonged. My parents decided that with the kind of CCA point structure, that I should join a uniformed group. Soccer, they said, would be a secondary CCA. Anyway, I was to leave secondary school with 2 bonus points. Thus, my dream of playing competitively was dashed. The green ruggedness of the National Cadet Corps was going to be my CCA for the next 4 years. Anyway, the seniors did look extremely smart, and possessed an air of confidence. It did help that they had consistently won the Gold Award. But it was not to be.

I failed the entrance interview.

Until today, I remain baffled at why I failed. By then, I had set my heart on joining them. My dreams were crushed yet again. Thrice in the short period of 1 month. The embarrassment of being the only failure at the interview, in a class where the other 8 succeeded, was unbearable. The blue uniform of National Police Cadet Corps was the only choice I had left. I never really fancied it. I was pretty much forced in because of the circumstances, which had befallen me. Even after taking the oath of loyalty to the Corps, I always envied and wished I was part of NCC. I wonder where would I be. If I had passed that interview. Would I stand before others the same person I am today. It is simply amazing how God worked His will in my life.

Till today, I will never forget the first 2 NCOs who took me. Their names I no longer recall, but I believe they moulded my squad in a special way. Sad that later on one of them suffered from indiscipline and ruined his entire NPCC life. Nevertheless, I soon grew into NPCC and set myself a target of one day donning the rank of Staff Sergeant. It looked magnificent on my NCOs. Another person I respected was our Station Inspector. He possessed such an aurora over the cadets. He was someone I wanted to grow up to be. Yet, under that stern blue uniform, was a senior who cared for us and taught us the important lesson of learning from our mistakes. He has always been my role model in NPCC, right up till today.

It was possibly the worst start one could have had. But it never mattered once I determined within myself to make something out of it. Likewise anyone of us may be stuck in a situation unfamiliar and hostile to us. But its about how we try to fight and make the best of it. Or just remain stagnant and hope for things to happen. Because they never will.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
8:48 pm

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Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I left behind a part of me.

My last training scheduled for this friday was cancelled due to its close proximity to the Middle Year Examinations. Thus, I guess my last official training ended on Monday. It did not end on the prettiest note but nevertheless here I am, left with yet another void within me. For the day I left the unit, I left behind a part of myself.

Zhonghua NPCC Unit has just been such a huge part of my life. Ever since becoming a Cadet Inspector, I have ate, slept and breathed NPCC. It has essentially become my life and this has been all the more evident in the past five months. And for me, which is why it becomes all the more so much harder to let go.

I am going to miss everyone who have been part of Zhonghua NPCC Unit. Everyone who have contributed in their own unique way in bringing the unit to where it is today. I am going to miss the sulking faces. The constant punishments. The exhausted cadets. The nagging sessions. The drill. The campcraft. The songs. The parades. The stinky NPCC room. The noticeboard. The smiles. The laughter. The tears.

Most of all. I am going to miss the people. The people who made the journey such a memorable one.

Today, I left behind a part of my life.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
12:56 am

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

A moment to savour.

Received the results for Project Work 2005 today. PW really brought out the worst in so many people. Through it you could see who was a friend, and who would not put in any effort, because they knew others would cover up for them. For me, PW was nothing short of a torture. Calling for meetings when everyone would go half hour late. Or better still, not turn up without informing us. When people would not do their allocated part of the work- because they could not be the least bothered. And when the PW cycle ended in November, I heaved a huge sigh of relief, despite fearing the worst for my results.

But all my effort paid off. For I scored a band 1, the highest score in my group. For me, when my result was announced, my initial reaction was one of happiness and relief. Then, it slowly brought back the memories of how I had to endure my groupmates through three-quarters of a year. And then, that happiness and joy turned into the feeling that they absolutely deserved what they got. For the shoddy effort they gave. For making my life so miserable. I would expect that some of you would feel that I am really evil to find joy in the 'failure' of others. But that would only be because you never experienced what I did. And, you would never be able to appreciate my feeling of justice being served. It was sweet.

But, I would have to say that, I do feel sorry for the only female member of my group. For she did put in much effort. But was punished in getting the same grade as the rest. She deserved better. Alas, life is never fair. But for today, I will allow myself to mock privately at the other 3 members who never gave anything.

It was nice to receive some motivation through this result. Having complete knowledge that my results for the Block tests placed me rock bottom in a class of 25. I must work harder. I am where I am because I want to get into a local university. And into a course that will satisfy me. And I will need to be alot more diligent and determined for that to come through.

I guess the results could not have come at a much better time. I was feeling extremely down after going to the wake of lao sim last night. Seeing her lifeless body in the coffin was almost unbearable. The face exactly the same way it was just 2 months ago. It was utterly painful. But, I would never give up the chance to pay my last respects to a person who taught me what love is all about. When I was at the wake, I saw many who seemed to have a different purpose there. Some to share a joke and catch up with each other. To smoke. I did wonder why they were there. For myself, I was there to pay my last respects, to recollect the memories I had of this person. To try to learn, and greter appreciate the value of life. Not to laugh. Or whatever.

And I was just putting myself into the positions of the family members she left behind. Her husband. Children. Her siblings. I really don't know how I would accept death. It scares me. It scares me greatly.

On a lighter note, the Secondary 3 cadets 'celebrated' for me and 2 of their squadmates yesterday. Albeit putting my name down as "blacky john", and the celebration was involved more of pillaring and cake throwing. Left school with my entire body so oily.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
6:31 pm

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Monday, April 10, 2006

Instead of placing a tagboard on my blog, I have decided on using Comments instead. You may post a comment under every post. I would appreciate if comments are sensitive and that you leave a name I can identify you by.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
6:47 pm

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Candle in the wind.

Went over to a friend's place last night to catch the titanic clash between Manchester United and Arsenal. And for the record, it was a great match, for Manchester United fans and neutrals. There was lots of fascinating attacking on show, and it was pretty much Joga Bonito. Manchester United ran out 2-0 winners with goals from Wayne Rooney and Ji Sung Park- both my idols in their own right. But if you did realise the title of this post. As much as viewing the match was thoroughly satisfying, the news I received this morning was nothing short of shocking and painful.

My paternal grandaunty passed away at around 10 plus last night. I recalled that at the moment in time, I was watching the Liverpool game. And in that hour, she left behind her family. For my family, she was someone really special. She cared so much for us, as though we were her grandchildren. Every Chinese New Year, she would cook up a fantastic meal for us to enjoy. The last time I saw her, was only 2 months ago, when we visited her during CNY. Then, she was seemingly on the route to recovery after cancer treatment had left her a weak and fragile being. But it pleased us all that her cancer had supposedly been detected in its early stages and the treatment put her in good stead for a complete recovery. 2 months on, without warning, she passed away.

For me, although I may not be that close to her, but she meant that bit to me. I could see the love she and her husband bestowed on my family. She treated us as one of her own. And that made it all the more harder for us to swallow. I suppose, my parents are really feeling the anguish. She was probably a godmother to the both of them. She died with her most cherished people surrounding her.

I will miss her. I will miss lao sim as she was fondly addressed by us.

I am young, at a stage in my life where I cannot accept death. I have not learnt to. I cannot help but feel overwhelmed with grief. I wonder how her husband will cope. To have the one he loved deeply just depart from him this way, so cruelly, full of cold hard reality. And to me, the thing I will regret the most would be the fact that we never shared the gospel with her.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
3:53 pm

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Saturday, April 08, 2006

Day I will never forget.

Yesterday was really special, considering the mostly quiet birthdays I have in my life. But I suppose, the greatest gift was being with the people whom I love most. =)

Anyway, I rushed down to the Sports Day in hope of viewing the marching contingent. And from what I heard, the entire parade was screwed up. Now, I believe the organisers deserve every single bit of criticism, for thinking that one rehersal was enough. Sheer disrespect to the pride of being in a parade.

But the main reason I was down was to view the cheer competition. Every year, our unit places much emphasis on this competition. Even sometimes when other groups barely practise for it, we would train without fail. And this cheer competition has always provided our new cadets with a chance to prove themselves against their peers. And the many training sessions hoping not just to improve their cheer, but to help them learn to interact and care for each other. To encourage each other on. And I believe that they have grown through it. And it pleases me greatly that they have more or less settled down into our mode of functioning, and hopefully. They will emerge as outstanding cadets in the 4 years they will be with us. They emerged second out of 5 teams. I wonder if they were disappointed at not winning, or at not being able to paint my face. Got a beautiful birthday card from them as well.

Then the cadets 'celebrated' for me by crowding around me and singing a birthday song before bringing me away for our tradition birthday ritual of pillaring. But thankfully for me, the school did not allow it. At some point of time, there was even a mention of me over the pa system. It was nice to have them celebrate it for me, although embarrassing at certain points. But I guess, I will never forget this special day in my life. Made wondeful by all my beloved cadets! =)

Not forgetting the great people who are constantly fighting for the unit- ZHSNP Instructor Team. Thanks for the present and tolerating me because it has been an absolute pleasure working with all of you.

I think if there was something that shone through at the Sports Day. It was the kind of spirit our unit possess. And it was clear when the announcer mentioned that whether we won or not, our cadets will always be the champions in our hearts.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
8:05 am

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Thursday, April 06, 2006

Have been drafting up what is a recollection of my entire 6 years in NPCC till date. Before I joined as a Secondary 1 student, all the way till now. Just a mere 2 weeks before leaving this unit as a Cadet Inspector. What a journey, one I will never forget. I have been a little scaringly honest about so many events.

Instead of posting it as a whole chunk, I shall do it in parts, so if you are interested, stay tuned! =)

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
11:19 pm

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Tuesday, April 04, 2006

In the task bar at the side, are some of my favourite bible verses. Spare me some face and read through them yah?

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
7:05 pm

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The pain of letting go.

With every day nearing towards my final training, I can almost feel the nostalgia building up within me. And that is the reason why I have been staying back to chat and have a laugh with the cadets. And hopefully, get them to understand that NPCC is so much more than just drill, campcraft or punishments. It is so much more about life.

For the past 6 months, starting November last year, I have absolutely given my all in a bid to see the unit head in a positive direction before I step down. And, it has been overwhelming 6 months. I have just learnt so much and spent so much time on the thing I really love. To many, like my classmates, they will never understand the kind of attachment I feel with this unit. I guess, even many cadets will never comprehend the commitment we show. But nevertheless, it has just been such a joy. Yet, I will leave the unit with regrets, for I know I could have done better, but I simply fell short.

Right now, I just hope that I will study diligently in a bid to ensure that I do not have the same regrets for my studies.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
6:39 pm

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

Prone to wander- Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the one I love.

Had this revival sermon in church today, and it was just scary thinking how much I have backslidden in my Christian faith. It has occurred after being baptised. For this one and a half year period, it has just been a spiritual wilderness. Going for bible class has almost been a torture. Yet, on the surface, I profess to others that I am a Christian, but never doing anything to justify my faith. And we sang this song entitled "Come thou fount of every blessing". And in one of the stanzas, was the above line in my title. Prone to wander- Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the one I love. Like my pastor said today, for many of us. We are inside a room, with its door shut tight. And this is a one-way door, it can only be opened from the inside. God is knocking from the outside, asking us to let Him in. But most of us are not willing to. One of them is myself. I feel totally ashamed. I shall determine in my heart, to come back to the God I love.

Reminiscence the past, cherish the present, look forward to the future with hope.
10:15 pm

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